Episode 142: Turning Your Pain into Power with The Divorce Coach – Sara Davison – Transcript

Episode 142: Turning Your Pain into Power with The Divorce Coach - Sara Davison

Rennie Gabriel  00:10
Hi folks, welcome to Episode 142 of the Wealth On Any Income Podcast. This is where we talk about money tips, techniques, attitudes, information and provide inspiration around your business, and your money. I'm your host, Rennie Gabriel. In past episodes, we spoke about how to understand the numbers from your business, how to measure the level of pleasure based on where you spend your money, how to track your money in 5 to 10 seconds, and what determines how close you are to Complete Financial Choice®, and how to run your business without being in your business. Last week, we had Stefan Zavalin, a "blind unicorn" labeled Branding Specialist who has a unique way of having his clients stand out from the pack. Today we have as our guest, Sara Davison. Sara is best known as the Divorce Coach. She is a multi award winning coach, twice Best Selling Author and podcast host of Heartbreak to Happiness. Sara is also a global media commentator for TV and radio on breakups, divorce, and life empowerment. Following the launch of Sara's Breakup and Divorce Coach Practitioner Accreditation Program in 2018, the International Divorce Coach Center of Excellence, which has a coaching community of 300 Divorce Coaches, spanning 18 countries and five continents. Sara, this is the first question, is that something that you created?

Sara Davison  01:50
Yes. So I mean, as you introduce me that I'm known as the Divorce Coach, and my mission is to help as many people as possible to cope better with any kind of breakup, including separation, heartbreak, and divorce. And so one of the ways that I do that is by training other people to turn their pain into power as well, whether, you know, some of my, most of my coaches are people that have been through their own tough breakups at some point in their life, and want to use that experience to help others. So yeah, absolutely. I set up the training school about seven years ago now.

Rennie Gabriel  02:24
Oh, fabulous. Well, and now, what I can do that I didn't do is, welcome to the Wealth On Any Income Podcast.

Sara Davison  02:32
Oh, thanks for having me, Rennie. Thank you so much.

Rennie Gabriel  02:35
We got a good idea from the bio, what you do. And you mentioned just now that, you know, other divorce coaches have had their own breakups, and I've had two divorces, so I know what that's like. But tell me why you're doing what you're doing. What inspired you to take this path?

Sara Davison  02:56
That's a great question. I have been coaching for 28 years. That's a long time. But after I'd been coaching for about 15 years, I was married, I met my partner, I thought he was my soulmate. We had a global business together, we had an office in London, where I am, hence the accent you can probably pick up on. And we've had an office in Sydney, Australia as well. So we had a huge team, nearly 200 staff. And, you know, we worked together, we were both into self-help, personal development, and my son was nearly two. And I found out literally overnight, that my husband no longer wanted to be married to me. And not only did he not want to be married to me, he was madly in love with somebody else. And she was 12 years younger than me, which doesn't help. It also didn't help that she was stunningly beautiful, and Rennie, I know that  wasn't the driver...

Rennie Gabriel  03:54
Sara, the people who are not watching this on YouTube, but only hearing the audio version will not know you're also beautiful. So . . .

Sara Davison  04:05
You're a gentleman, but thank you. But you know, it was one of the hardest times of my life because suddenly everything that I knew and anyone that's been through this will resonate, anything, that you plan your future, you think, Well, I'm married. That's it. I've got my son. You know, we're building a family. We're growing a business. Overnight, I became a single mom. I lost my soulmate who I thought was my best friend. I lost my business partner. And the future, I didn't know what to think, you know, and I'm quite a strong, emotionally strong person. I handle stress pretty well, but this just devastated me did a lot of that ugly crying on the bathroom floor. Did a lot of the panicking, phoning my mom at like 2am, crying, saying, I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't sleep. And then after a couple of months, I realized you know what, I've got a choice here. I either carry on like this, and this divorce is going to be a black cloud over the rest of my life. or I decide to combine my coaching skills, which I've been coaching for about 15 years at that point, with this divorce process and find a way through. Because I couldn't find anything that was specific to my scenario then. It was, you know, 15 years ago, there wasn't much going on in it to help people specifically for this. So that's what I did. I combined my skills together with the divorce process. I was in court for two and a half years, and it was horrendous, but I got through it. And my lawyer said to me, You should write a book, Sara, you've done so well. And the some of the tools that you're using would really helped my other clients, can you help them too? And that's where this all started. It started when I'd actually gone back to Sydney to work in the office there and I'm sat on the beach, looking out at the sea, I'm on Balmoral Beach, it's sunny. And I just thought, you know what this cannot, this pain cannot just be for me to just deal with and then move on somehow. I need to turn this into something that can help other people. If I can navigate this, and I come up with some tools, then I can help other people do that. So that's what I did. I combined those skills and now that they're the tools and skills that I share with people all over the world, whether that's in my online groups or the one to one coaching, or the retreats or the coach training. And we're even going into businesses now working with HR teams to support their staff going through breakups, because this impacts everyone, Rennie, I'm sure as you,  when you were working impacted your productivity, right?

Rennie Gabriel  06:28
Oh, absolutely right, and that's why I'm having you on the show. It's because while talking about divorce may sound off topic to a podcast that's about, you know, business and finance, divorces can destroy people's finances. I know having gone through two of them, and having to start over after the second one, you know, and also having a business failure. I started over from scratch at age 50, but within eight years, you know, rebuilt things and no longer had to work for a living. So the whole point is, what you went through, what others go through, it can be overcome. And so I'm thrilled to have you as a guest on the podcast. And the next question I ask everyone, because I donate 100% of the profits from the work that I do, from my books, my programs to charity, tell me what cause is most important to you that you support?

Sara Davison  07:26
Wow, well, yeah, great question, because I'm the patron of a domestic abuse charity. So one of the things I realized coming out of my relationship was that it was toxic, and being in it, hadn't really seen it. And also, I didn't think those things happen to people like me, naively at the time. But coming out, and then seeing how the divorce process played out, a lot of post separation abuse, I realized, wow, this is a real thing. And it was devastating. So I actually support a charity called, The Dash Charity, which is a domestic abuse charity that supports men, women and children coming or dealing with abuse. And that could be any kind of abuse from emotional, financial, physical, sexual, coercive control is a big thing that I see every day in my own clinic. So yeah, so I donate to the charity part of the money that I make with certain products. Because I now teach people, I'm running a retreat this week on how to divorce a toxic partner and recover from the trauma. And so we donate to the charity, everything we do around the abuse topics, we donate to the charity to help because they do such great work.

Rennie Gabriel  08:35
That's fabulous. And it's so much in alignment with what you're doing. Now, in a way we've covered this ground before but I'm going to ask this question anyway. It's a two part question. What would you say was your biggest failure, and what insight did you gain from that? How are you using it?

Sara Davison  08:51
It's a great question, actually, and isn't my divorce, actually, that I see is as a failure. And I actually don't look at... So failures are pretty awesome, I think because this is where you get a chance to learn, like you just said, you created a business, you know, after your business failed. And after 911 I had to shut my business in the UK, because I was the first promoter in the UK to fly motivational speakers from the US. Now you guys are always like 10 years ahead of us on any self-help personal development. So again,  for any of the decent speakers, I had to fly you over. So I flew you over to speak on stage over here in the UK. And I had a business going. I set that business up when I was, gosh, 21, 22, and it was my life. I had eight staff. We had an office in London. I loved it. We were running events with thousands of people. It was insane. And then 911 happened tragically. And none of my speakers especially my main speaker, wanted to fly. I don't know if you remember, right back then people were thinking, so you know, I'm just going to, so my main speaker said, I'm going to go get married, I've rethought my whole life. It's made me reevaluate everything. And so I had to walk in the next day, had a call at 2am from my America seat saying, I know we've got events scheduled, I'll make good, but I'm not coming. And so I had to walk back into the office and tell myself that I was laying them off. And I learned so much from that, that, you know, my identity wasn't that business. That was important, because I thought that was who I was. So for a while I didn't know who the hell I was. And then I started to realize, well, actually, you know what, I did that once. I can do it again. I just need to think what's going to work right now for me, and what can I grow? And yeah, so actually learning from that, learning from the mistakes I made and learning from the things that worked, and then channeling that into something else, then I was able to start my second business, which was with my ex-husband, actually.

Rennie Gabriel  10:59
Thank you. Thank you so much. And I'm glad to find out what I thought was the issue wasn't the issue. 

Sara Davison  11:07

Rennie Gabriel  11:08
This question is a little bit like asking for a case study. But when people work with you, I have the feeling that things turn out pretty good. But give me an example of, you know, someone who was in a situation, was in a divorce, maybe it was a toxic relationship, how you might have worked with them, and what transpired, how did they turn around? What was that result?

Sara Davison  11:31
Well my style of coaching is very dynamic, very results-focused. And I have a whole toolkit of empowering life skills that I share with people to help them take their power back, so that they can, you know, learn. So it's not about people becoming dependent on me or my coaches that I train. It's about showing people how they can do this, take their power back and do it for themselves. So one lady came to me and I've worked with thousands of people all over the world, and this is quite a common scenario, people come and they think they're never going to find a partner, they're never going to be loved again, you know, being alone for the rest of their life is actually one of the biggest fears, Rennie, that people have after a breakup. And usually, they have two criteria for dating again, the first one is they have a pulse. Very true, I've been there. And then the second one is if they give them the tiniest sign of affection and then they go into what I call limpet mode and sort of sucker themselves to this poor human being. So one of the exercises that I do with my clients is to look at their values and what's important for them, and to look at designing your ideal partner. But yeah, most of us know what we want, right? We know, tall, dark, handsome, short, blonde, blue eyes, whatever, we know that, that's pretty easy. So that's usually what we will hone in on if we're on a date, or if we're looking for a partner. But the thing is, what people miss, is, what do you need? Now, that is when you learn to bank the lessons that life has taught you with your previous partners, right? Then you're going to keep making those same mistakes until life slaps you around the face enough, and you just go, Okay, okay, I'm going to learn it, I'm going to bank it, and I'm never going to do that again. So we do that in the session. So with one lady, she came, and she just been doing this limpet mode thing, and it wasn't working. And he was getting really fed up with her. So we went through this, and she was like, Right, I'm going to try it, I'm going to go out and do it. And you know, she had to kiss a few frogs. But now she's one of my first clients that I actually got married again, and I got an invite to the wedding. So that's always nice to see that you can go through such pain, but again, like I said, adversity can be your greatest gift, if you learn the lessons from it. So now she's like, Well, actually, if I hadn't have gone through that I would never be where I am today. And I think that's what life's about. It's always going to throw you curveballs. There's always going to be challenges. There's always going to be things that knock you sideways. But if you can learn from them, and not see that, you know, call it what you like, you want to call it a failure, fine, but ultimately, if you learn from it, that's when you take that pain and turn that into your power, which is what this life is all about. If you can do that you're growing, you're moving forward. And that's your greatest chance of stacking the odds for you to be happy.

Rennie Gabriel  14:09
And I agree so much with what you said. I'm going to have another question, but to verify what you were talking about, when my wife and I, my current wife and I, my best, most fabulous, greatest wife. We've been together 25 years now. And when we first got together, I had a list of 20 items that were important to me. She had a list of 72 items. So I probably met 60, 70% of her list. And she met 18 and a half of my list of 20. 

Sara Davison  14:45

Rennie Gabriel  14:45
So we knew it would be a good match. And here we are 25 years later and still fabulous. So . . . 

Sara Davison  14:51
Perfect. I love that. 

Rennie Gabriel  14:53
So knowing the values, knowing what you want, as well as what you don't want, I think is very important.

Sara Davison  14:59
I'm always doing five "must not haves" as well. So they're up to five things that you will not tolerate. And especially for those people that have been in toxic relationships, it's like a safety net. And what happens is, if any of those "must not haves", whether that's lying or being rude or even, you know, could be something like smoking, things that for you are deal breakers. You know, that will never work with you. Then what we say is, if any of these show up, whether it's day one, day two, day three, do not try and fix them. We don't say, You know what, when they get to know me, they'll change or it'll be different with me. No, no, we deploy our parachute, and we exit the building immediately. So that's what the five "must not haves" are there for just to give you that safety net that you were talking about.

Rennie Gabriel  15:44
And that is so vital. And one of the items on my list was they need to be a non-smoker. Not that they won't smoke. They must be a non-smoker. So yeah. 

Sara Davison  15:57
Love it. 

Rennie Gabriel  15:58
So now, is there a valuable free resource that you can offer that can get my audience to connect with you?

Sara Davison  16:07
Yeah, we have free resources on my website, saradavison.com. But also we have, The Split, which is my book that is if you are going through a breakup, 30 Days from Breakup to Breakthrough. And it's like a each day, there's a chapter that you can read that gives you an action that you can follow through and do. So we can provide that for you for sure.

Rennie Gabriel  16:28
Fine, I have something that says, Heartbreak to Happiness.

Sara Davison  16:33
Yeah, well, we also have Heartbreak to Happiness that you can have that too. So that is our, so these are online groups, they're support groups, they're Zoom meetings, so everyone's on camera. You don't have to go on camera if you don't want to. But you have to go on and say hi, so we know it's you. But it's a great way to share some of your story. They're run by my accredited coaches. And they're all trained, the coaches that run these, all trained on domestic abuse as well. So you can go and talk about any kind of breakup, your heartbreak, what you're dealing with, ask questions and get the coaching from the coaches. So we run at the moment, we're running about eight sessions a week, and you can pick and choose which ones you go to. The first week we'll give to you completely free. So if you want to come along for the first week, you can get up to eight hours of support from my coaches. And then after that it's less than $8 a week to attend anyway, so it's pretty affordable for most people. But that's why we do it, because there weren't any resources when I was going through this, Rennie, and I wanted to provide resources that are accessible for everybody. So yeah, it's a great way to find your tribe and to get your questions answered.

Rennie Gabriel  17:38
Fabulous. And Sara, I want to thank you for being on the Wealth On Any Income show. This is valuable.

Sara Davison  17:46
Oh, thank you so much for having me, Rennie. I've really enjoyed it.

Rennie Gabriel  17:49
Thank you, and to all of those who are listening, if you'd like to know how books, movies and Society programs you to be poor, and what the cure is, then log on to wealthonanyincome.com/TEDx. You'll hear my TED Talk and can request a free 9-Step Roadmap to Complete Financial Choice® and Philanthropy. And receive a weekly email with tips, techniques or inspiration around your business or your money. And if you'd like to see how you can increase your wealth, and donate to the causes that touch your heart, please check out our affordable program, Wealth with Purpose. To my listeners, thank you for tuning in. And you can listen to the Wealth On Any Income Podcast on your favorite platform. And please rate, review and subscribe. Until next week, be prosperous. Bye bye for now.

Return to podcast by clicking here.