Episode 6: Couples and Money – Transcript
Hi, Folks. Welcome to Episode Six of the Wealth On Any Income podcast. This is where we talk about money tips, techniques, attitudes, information, and provide inspiration.
This episode is about how couples can have safe conversations about money, and it's about eight minutes long.
After 49 years of marriage I feel like an authority to speak on this topic. Oh, oh, but the disclosure is that it was not 49 years to the same woman. My first marriage was 19 years, my second was nine years, and my current wife and I just celebrated 21 years of marriage in August of 2020. As the publisher of the book, 'Couples and Money' by Victoria Collins, I gained some insights as to what works and what doesn't work in a marriage when the topic of money arises. By the way, my publishing company had about 80 titles In the bookstores, primarily on money or real estate topics, so I was definitely immersed in that field.
The way I would describe how money worked in my first marriage would be to say three things. First, her money was her money, and my money was our money. Second, she claimed that I made her work. And I will admit that I wanted her to work and generate her own money, so she could spend it in any way she wanted without any input from me. And lastly, I was not able to provide her with the lifestyle to which she wanted to become accustomed. The swimming pool, the Mercedes, the vacations and so on. It seemed no matter how much money I earned, there was no way I would have savings or be able to invest for the future.
In the 'Couples and Money' book, there are some great questions that a couple can use as the basis of a safe money conversation. And it doesn't matter if the couple is straight or gay. The questions still have value. It's like the book 'Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus' - only dealing with financial issues. The way the questions are used is that each member of the couple answers the questions on their own, and then come together to discuss their answers. This sets the groundwork to understand how each person established their money values and habits. It's not about being right or wrong. It's about how you were raised and either the messages you were given, or the interpretation or meaning you gave to what you heard or saw as you were growing up.
If you're driving while listening to this podcast, you won't be able to write down the answers to these sample questions I'm going to read from the book - but you can listen to this podcast again, and both write down the questions and write down the answers. And near the end of the podcast I'll tell you how you can get the questions emailed to you. Please understand that just listening and thinking about the answers will not be as powerful - nor as transformational - as actually writing down your answers.
Here's the key to these questions. Most of us operate rather unconsciously from how we were raised, or even if it's on a conscious level, it might still involve reactive thinking. There are three ways we can respond to how we were brought up. One, we can just do what our parents did - say to our children, what our parents said to us, believe what our parents believed, follow the religion or politics our parents followed. Two, we can rebel. We can avoid the religion or politics of our parents. If our parents did one thing or said one thing, we might do the opposite, just because it's what our parents did or said. And the third way you can respond is by freely choosing what works for yourself. Not just doing what your parents did because they did it, and not just reacting and doing the opposite of what your parents did, but choosing freely what works for you. What I chose to do in my life was examine what my parents did and ask myself, would that work for me.
When I was young, probably about eight years old, my mother said, buy an apartment building because the rents from the tenants will have purchased it for you, you will own it, and the tenants will have bought it for you.That was great advice. And I was able to put it into practice when I was 53 years old. By the way, my mom was a clerk in a bakery and did not earn a lot of money, but when she retired, she had a union pension, social security and lived rent free from a four unit property. She felt very comfortable and secure. My dad died when I was 11 years of age, so I don't really know what he thought about money or work. What I do know is that he was employed by his brother - that owned a shower door company - and he earned about $10 a day or $50 a week in the 1950s. He was very handy, and I felt that was a good thing. He was able to repair things and I liked that. Because I saw what my dad did and because of the shop classes I took in junior high school, I'm able to repair things in our apartment buildings. Besides saving thousands of dollars on small repairs, it gives me a sense of pride to replace a light switch or hang a set of blinds, swap out a garbage disposal or install a dishwasher.
When people come into a relationship, or marriage, they bring with them baggage from the past. When we talk about money, we can refer to this baggage as hidden investments. They help you make sense out of all the information you receive. They're part of who you are. You won't ever get rid of all your hidden investments, but you can expose them to the light of day. Squarely facing long buried beliefs means knowing yourself in an intimate way. By understanding where your money habits, attitudes and quirks come from you're free to choose - keep them or toss them out with yesterday's newspaper. Keeping those beliefs means taking responsibility for them, instead of constantly pointing the finger at your partner.
Dr. Collins devised a short inventory to uncover and disclose these hidden investments. In her research and practice, she's given the survey to hundreds of individuals over the years. Everyone reported learning something new about themselves and their partners. Again, unless you're driving - right down your responses to these questions, and ask your partner to do the same.
1. What was my mother's role concerning finances? And how is my role like hers?
2. What was my father's role concerning finances? And how is my role like his?
3. As a child did I think I was rich, poor or middle class? And how do the feelings I had then affect my perception of money now?
4. What were the main money messages my parents gave me regarding money. How do I follow them, or how strongly do I rebel against them today? These could be expressions like 'Money doesn't grow on trees.' 'We just can't afford that.' You know, what kind of messages did you get?
5. What are the money traumas I've experienced? What lessons did I learn from them and how have those lessons altered the way I deal with money now?
6. What big money successes have I had? What lessons did I learn? How have those lessons altered the way I deal with money now?
7. What is my greatest fear regarding money?
There are seven other questions along this line, and if you'd like all of the questions, just send an email to me at rennie@wealthonanyincome.com with the subject line, Couples and Money and I will send you the full list.
And here's your opportunity to grow. Ask yourself, when will I sit down and answer these questions, and when will I speak to my mate about what I answered? Realize that wealthy people ask questions that lead to the actions that produce results. Until next week, be prosperous, enjoy life and bye bye for now.
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